“I [Didnt] Know What to Do”

Last night as I was driving to meet a friend for dinner, I had an “oh wow” moment.

I was crossing over the James River and I looked over at the sun setting over the river and on all the downtown buildings and all I could think was “wow, I never imagined my life would be like this”.

I’ve had these moments before; just every once in a while, when for a moment everything seems to be just how it should.

One year ago (next month) I drove into this beautiful city of Lynchburg, VA. The rain was pouring down like I had never witnessed in my life and I just kept asking myself if I had made the right decision to come here. But the next morning, the sun came up and everything dried out and I knew that this was going to be an adventure worth having.

My life has changed quite a bit over the last 11 months. Some very big changes have occurred while others have been small and maybe not noticeable to others. A few weeks ago I was going through some of my things in order to begin consolidating so I can move out of my apartment. As I was doing this I found one of my journals. For a few years I was very consistent in writing, but over the past couple of years I have written very seldom. I figured I should go ahead and write about what I have been doing over the past year so I have it to look back on. I decided to read the last entry I had written, which was dated June 18, 2016. This is what some of it said:

I have been really struggling the past few weeks. I don’t know what to do. I know the things I believe are true regarding the gospel but I also know the feelings that I have in other areas of my life. I don’t understand how to feel or what to think and even though those feelings are only a small part of who I am, they are controlling my thoughts. I need God’s help but I don’t feel like I deserve it. It is said that we are not given more than we can bear, but it certainly doesn’t feel like this is something I can bear forever

Holy cow. The person I was one year ago feels like a total stranger to me. I still have struggles and doubts and there are forever going to be days when I don’t know if things are going to be okay. But wow, how things have changed. And for the better! I am now able to wake up everyday and feel good about who I am. I feel so much more balance, and peace and love in my life as I have learned to be honest with myself and with those around me.

But it wasn’t like moving to Lynchburg was the magic key to make everything better. This ability to stand proudly as a person has come from all of the people and places I have encountered along the way. It has come from allowing myself to take risks and to focus on how I can live this life instead of just get through it. I could probably have written a post similar to this every time I have moved or made a change in my life. And I think that is why I am okay with life changing so often. It’s true that a part of my heart is left in each place that I lived. There are parts in Nevada with my family and parts in Utah with my some of my best friends. There are even some parts in the little town of Rexburg, ID and now I prepare to leave some parts behind here in Lynchburg as my life continues to move forward to new things. But even though I have left so many pieces behind, my heart has grown and changed and, hopefully, become better.

I am grateful to no longer be in a state of “I don’t think this is something I can bear forever” but instead be in awe of what I am doing and where I am and what is coming next.  We live in a good world with good people and I am grateful to have woken up this morning to spend another day in it. I promise that things get better.





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